Another year is ending. The passage of time catches me off-guard. Did I not just graduate college and move to Philadelphia? How can that really have happened over ten years ago? So much has happened since then, so many memories made, memories forgotten. As months and years go by, I wish I could time travel and revisit different parts of my life, rather than experience it all as an unbreakable forward-moving line.
I became a mom late in 2018, and 2019 was all about navigating my new and very different life. I felt like I was constantly in survival mode. Each task I did was merely done to get me to the next day, a day that would be filled with tasks to get me to the one after that. I am certain some stay-at-home-parents experience this very differently, but for myself, I was unable to escape survival mode. My days often blended together. Perhaps the glorious and mild California weather is to blame, but I frequently found myself struggling to remember what month or season it was, save for whatever packaging was on the candies in the center aisle of CVS.
Nothing in parenthood was at all as I imagined it. Though I take joy in being present for the fleeting moments of my daughter’s development, I also found I deeply longed for the space and time to exist as myself, beyond being a mother.
I am happy to report that in January 2020, I will return to the workforce, and my daughter will begin daycare.
As I mentioned, nothing in parenthood has been as I imagined it, so reality will certainly have some things to teach me (may HFM not be among them!) But in general, my outlook is brimming with optimism. My kiddo is incredibly curious, energetic, and social. She will be spending her days somewhere that will give her opportunities to learn and play beyond what I am able to give her at home. I am excited for my job, and feel like I nabbed the golden ticket, as I get to start at 4 days a week. Having a flexible day means I can still take my daughter out of daycare for routine things like doctor visits, and fun things like Fairyland or the Zoo. It means Saturday and Sunday won’t have to be exclusively relegated to getting on top of chores. It also means dedicated work time in my art studio.
Making art takes me out of my habit to mentally time travel, taking a break from replaying past events or anxiously dwelling on those to come. It is the opposite of survival mode. The experience of making art places me in the richness of action and the present moment.
I’ll leave my 2020 goal setting for a future date, and on this last day of 2019, simply smile as I embrace a new year that is certain to bring about exciting changes.
