2020 brought big changes.
Perhaps most notably, I started a new job, full-time, and my daughter started at a group daycare.
These changes have resulted in: me no longer wear yoga pants most days of the week, a fuller bank account, and everyone in my family being sick for a month.
My dedicated Fridays at the art studio is a work in progress. Three Fridays were dedicated to being sick, and another to being home anyways because daycare was closed. Eventually the schedule may align closer with my earlier vision. I’m determined not to worry about it; it’ll all work out.
Daycare has been a godsend. It’s not the kind of place that send parents updates every day (i.e. Suzy drank 8 ounces of milk, had cheerios for breakfast, and chicken and rice for lunch, napped for 2 hours at 11am, and here’s 10 pictures of her playing today…) and I’m embracing the “less is more” idea of that. The director and teachers will always inform us of anything important, and otherwise, I can assume my kiddo had a pretty great day. I’m certain she loves being there, and her cravings for social engagement and activities are met better than they were when it was just the two of us each day.
I’ve also learned what it feels like to miss my child. Before this change, I knew what it was like to think constantly about her. To have an amalgamation of obsession, love, curiosity, worry, anxiety, concern, and so forth, all taking over my headspace anytime I was away from her. I thought that was what it was to miss her, but I’ve found that missing her during the day is a much less fraught experience. It’s mostly thinking about how I love her, and being curious about what she’s doing. The accompanying anxiety and worry has lifted. I feel I can be more present in activities and places that don’t always include her, and this is a welcome feeling. To remember what it feels like to exist as my own person.
I am grateful for my new job. Today, it gave me the financial freedom to buy 2 new tubes of Golden paint, and last night I bought dungeoness crab for dinner on a whim.